I do not want my needs or desires anticipated.
I do not want to anticipate the needs or desires of others.
though I do believe at some fundamental level that we are all one, I am not you and you are not me.
that means that I will not be very good at guessing what you want and need. that also means you will not be very good at guessing what I want and need.
in the past, christmas has been a challenging holiday for me. I have struggled to guess what a person might like, I have felt a deep responsibility to make them feel seen, loved, happy. (it is often a flag for me nowadays when I notice a responsibility for creating or eliciting feeling in another.)
holidays have also been moments where I have felt uncared for, misunderstood, and alienated by the gifts people have given me. I’ve felt pressure to perform joy so that they don’t feel bad for being bad at this strange guessing game.
gift giving in our culture feels like this test-disguised-as-celebration that asks: how well do you know me? have you been paying close enough attention?
as a person who grew up in an unpredictable, volatile, and at times violent household, I learned very keenly to anticipate and attend to the needs of those around me. often, my wants and needs were at odds with what would keep the peace, what would keep me safe, and I learned to stop listening. I learned to prioritize that outward attuning over inward attuning.
I learned to prioritize the wellness of others in hopes that if they were well enough they might also be able to attend to some of my needs. it worked well enough, I survived, and I thank my body for the wisdom it had to develop those skills.
a huge part of healing my trauma has been examining that pattern and intentionally unlearning it. it has been challenging, and brought fresh grief each step of the way.
I have had to learn to hear what I want and need (hard.) I have had to wrestle with the balance of these wants and needs being my responsibility, and knowing that I alone cannot meet all of my wantsneeds and that I must enlist the help of others to survive (hard as fuck.) I have had to learn to hear no (hard) and to process the feeling of disappointment (are you kidding me?!) I have had to learn to receive direction (my poor ego) and to receive critical feedback (MY POOR EGO.) I still struggle with every single one of these things every day. it is not easy! and I am practicing!
it is challenging too, to be in relationship with people who still operate that way. I don’t think there’s necessarily anything wrong with it for others, but I know that it is not functional for me. I know that it prevents closeness and interdependence for me.
I see how I used to receive direct requests as an implication that there was a cue I had missed, something I should have picked up on. that I’m in trouble now that someone has had to name it directly. I see how I used to receive feedback as an admonition, as a sign that I didn’t get it right when I should have. I see a lot of shoulds in that way of relating. a lot of shame. a lot of guessing and needing to be right, perfect. not a lot of grace, not a lot of tenderness or forgiveness.
I remember talking to a new lover and them saying something about wanting to focus on my pleasure during sex. they had been raised to center their own pleasure, and so wanting to prioritize mine was a radical move to them, a harmless virtue signaling. I felt a dissonance because the ~good feminist~ in me said thank you, but my deeper value system said NO.
I was raised to center the pleasure of my sexual partners and that led to literal decades of trauma, discomfort, and just plain bad sex. role reversing is not the answer.
I don’t want you to do something to me because you think I want it. pleasure is finicky, like the weather, something I love one day will be the last thing I want another day. I want you to do something to me because YOU want to. I get pleasure from knowing your actions are motivated by desire, not obligation or anticipation.
when I want something, I want to ask for it. I want to receive what I’ve asked for as a gift, as an offering. I want to know you are thankful that I’ve asked, that you’ve had the opportunity to consent, that you are giving it to me joyfully, knowing it’s exactly what I want in this very moment. the act of saying “I want you to…” and knowing the other person can say no is so deeply vulnerable. but what happens when vulnerability is met with enthusiasm and tenderness? intimacy! and good god, how it feels to hear someone say “I want you to…” and just be waiting with bated breath for the end of that sentence. to know that this person has a desire centered on my actions, on something I can give them that they can’t give themselves? golden, glorious! to witness the bravery and vulnerability they are offering in naming a desire to me? stunning! sacred!! the stuff dreams are made of!!
to me, this culture of anticipating and expecting reciprocal anticipation is a culture of conflict avoidance, of vulnerability avoidance, of intimacy avoidance. it is also just like… really inefficient lol. turning that instinct off feels akin to letting myself be bimbo.
what a free feeling world I could live in if my only responsibility was to hear and communicate my own needs and trust that others would do the same when they need to!
how much mental chatter could I eliminate if I trusted others to know themselves best?
“I see how I used to receive direct requests as an implication that there was a cue I had missed, something I should have picked up on. that I’m in trouble now that someone has had to name it directly. I see how I used to receive feedback as an admonition, as a sign that I didn’t get it right when I should have.” really really hit for my trauma patterns. Reading this whole thing was a fucking deep breath!!!